Grief

Maybe God Will Relent

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David replied, “While the child was still alive, I fasted and wept because I thought, ‘Perhaps the Lord will show pity and the child will live.’ But now he is dead. Why should I fast? Am I able to bring him back at this point? I will go to him, but he cannot return to me!”

(2 Samuel 12:22)

If you are reading a devotion on grief, then you have probably experienced the death of a loved one; and you have most likely prayed for their healing. I can also imagine; you didn’t just pray once or twice. In fact, you probably prayed multiple times and potentially over many years. I know. I prayed for many years for my sister to be healed from alcoholism. I didn’t just pray. I fasted and prayed. I dedicated seasons of Lent to her healing. I knocked, pounded, and begged God to heal my sister, intervene for her recovery, and lead her to Jesus. When she died, I felt the finality to my many unanswered prayers. God had spoken and his answer was “No.” I grieved the reality that the incense of my prayers dissipated past God’s throne room seemingly unheard.

My experience is not unique, nor is this my only encounter with unanswered prayers. Like many of you, I have many unanswered prayers of grief and loss.  Thus, I ask, “Can we change God’s mind when we pray?” Throughout scripture we see how God answered prayers for healing; as well as verses teaching believers to pray.

And it happened that the father of Publius was lying in bed afflicted with recurrent fever and dysentery; and Paul went in to see him and after he had prayed, he laid his hands on him and healed him. (Acts 28:8)

Therefore, confess your sins to one another, and pray for one another so that you may be healed. The effective prayer of a righteous man can accomplish much. (James 5:16)

“Can we change God’s mind when we pray?”

Scripture also speaks of times when God allowed illness, diseases, and suffering occurs.

 If we have died with him, we will also live with him; if we endure, we will also reign with him;

if we deny him, he also will deny us; if we are faithless, he remains faithful—he cannot deny himself.” (2 Timothy 2:11-13).

During these times, believers are encouraged to persevere and endure with hope and strength (Romans 5:4). So, should we pray for loved ones? Should we look for healing? Seek the miraculous? The answer is “Yes.”

Here are my personal insights into the grief of unanswered prayers:

  1. Continue to pray for healing (James 5:13-15).
    1. It demonstrates our belief that God can change the situation. He is the Great Physician and has the power over health and illness, disease and death. (John 5:26).
    1. Prayer is not about the answers. It is about a relationship with the Divine who loves us and loves our loved ones. (Philippians 1:9-11).
  2. God knows the bigger picture
    1. As Sovereign of the universe God knows the yesterday, today and tomorrow. (Hebrews 13:8).
    1. Expect God to do other miracles besides healings and cures. One miracle is when others come to the saving knowledge of Jesus Christ. (John 11:25), or a closer relationship with Him through the suffering and grief.
  3. God is working through you and your loved one.
    1. I am on this side of many unanswered prayers and see the benefit of the “no’s” and trust God with the “no’s” I don’t understand (Matthew 7:7-11).

I will leave you with a quote from Philip Yancey from the chapter Unanswered Prayer: Living with the Mystery,

“…more convinced than ever that the only final solution to unanswered prayer is Paul’s explanation to the Corinthians: ‘For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall know even as also I am known.’ No human being, no matter how wise or how spiritual can interpret the ways of God, explain why one miracle and not another, why an apparent intervention here and not there. Along with the apostle Paul, we can only wait, and trust.” (*p. 247)

Prayer:

Father God, I confess I waver in my faith and trust when my prayers for healing go unanswered. Help me to accept your wisdom and providence in my life and in the life of my loved ones. Amen.

Reflections:

Do you have unanswered prayers for a loved one? Are you still praying and hoping for healing for a loved one? Whatever your experience and current prayer life, write out prayers that have gone unanswered. Be honest and intimate and include the pain and sorrow your waiting has or is causing. Psalm 13 is a plea to God to hear the author’s prayer. Use it as a template to cry out to the Lord.

How long, O Lord? Will You forget me forever?
How long will You hide Your face from me?

How long shall I take counsel in my soul,
Having sorrow in my heart all the day?
How long will my enemy be exalted over me?

Consider and answer me, O Lord my God;
Enlighten my eyes, or I will sleep the sleep of death,

And my enemy will say, “I have overcome him,”
And my adversaries will rejoice when I am shaken.

But I have trusted in Your lovingkindness;
My heart shall rejoice in Your salvation.

I will sing to the Lord,
Because He has dealt bountifully with me.

Shane & Shane put Psalm 13 to song.

Resources:

*Prayer: Does It Make Any Difference by Philip Yancey explores prayer from both a personal and theological base. Philip’s book Where is God When It Hurts? is a classic that promises to provide comfort and a healing guide for coping with hard times. Purchase both from Christian Book Distributors .

When Defeat is Better than Death

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The king (David) covered his face and cried out loudly, “My son, Absalom! Absalom, my son, my son!” (2 Samuel 19:4)

Anyone with a child can understand David’s emotional toil at the death of his son, Absalom. It didn’t matter that his son had become his enemy by forming a coup and would have killed David for the throne. At the news of Absalom’s death, David was heartbroken and grieved loudly at the sudden news. David would have rather lost his kingdom then lose his son.

When I reflected on David’s grief, I seen many comparisons to the grief we experience today. Even though, we rarely have adult children take over our kingdom or attempt to kill us for economic or political gain, many have experienced adult children maliciously causing parents’ harm. Adult children today can steal money, take over a business, or cause bodily harm.

In addition, parents are grieved by children becoming estranged. Or the opposite situation, whereas, you are the child who has become estranged from a parent(s), siblings, or other relative. Any time a significant relationship is fractured there is insurmountable grief. We grieve the raw, constant pain of the incident(s) and we mourn the lost future of how our relationship could be now and in the future. Whether the time is measured in years or decades, the pain is intense and never ending.

This is David’s grief. When her heard of Absalom’s death, he mourned the broken relationship and the unrealized hope for reconciliation.

The king then became very upset. He went up to the upper room over the gate and wept. As he went he said, “My son, Absalom! My son, my son, Absalom! If only I could have died in your place! Absalom, my son, my son!”

Can you relate to David’s grief over the fractured relationship? What have been your emotions? Are you angry? Bitter? Depressed? Many of these are signs of grief expressed in seemingly more acceptable emotions. Whatever your emotions, you can bring them to God. Be honest with Him and tell him exactly what you are feeling. God will understand the unrealized lost experiences and the painful disappointments. Whether your loved one is still living, or like David, death stole reconciliation away, share your feelings with the God of comfort (2 Corinthians 1:3-6).

Prayer: Heavenly Father, the broken relationship with ___________ [insert name] has caused me pain and suffering.  Help me bring my heart to you, so that I can lean on You for comfort and wisdom. Amen.

Suggested Reflections:

  • Write out the relationship losses you have experienced through the broken relationship.
  • Psalm 3 was written by David when fleeing from Absalom. A few key themes are fear, crying aloud, retribution to those who cause you harm, and others. There is also hope, confidence, and trust in God to provide care. What feelings are you similar to David? What additional emotions are you experiencing? Find a way to express them through journaling, recording audio/video, drawing or some other media.
  • This verse reminds us of God’s comfort through others who are experiencing the same “hard time”. I encourage you to seek counseling and/or support group. Please see my post entitled Seeking Counseling on finding the right counselor as a Christian believer.
    • All praise to the God and Father of our Master, Jesus the Messiah! Father of all mercy! God of all healing counsel! He comes alongside us when we go through hard times, and before you know it, he brings us alongside someone else who is going through hard times so that we can be there for that person just as God was there for us. We have plenty of hard times that come from following the Messiah, but no more so than the good times of his healing comfort-we get a full measure of that, too. (2 Corinthians 1:3-5. The Message).
  • Nearer, My God to Thee This beautiful hymn speaks of the pain and hope of grief.

A Mother’s Gift

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As he approached the town gate, a man who had died was being carried out, the only son of his mother (who was a widow), and a large crowd from the town was with her. When the Lord saw her, he had compassion for her and said to her, “Do not weep.” Then he came up and touched the bier, and those who carried it stood still. He said, “Young man, I say to you, get up!” So the dead man sat up and began to speak, and Jesus gave him back to his mother.

Luke 7:12-15

Imagine the scene: a woman whose only son has died is following the procession down the street towards the burial place. She is surrounded by family members, friends, and members of her community, yet she is alone on her grief journey. Can you imagine the despair and shock she has experienced at the loss of her only child, a once young, vibrant man who had brought her happiness and filled her heart with the joy of motherhood. Her heart was broken, and her spirit was fractured by the seemingly unfair hand of God.

Jesus, who had been going about his business, came upon the grieving mother and her dead son. Scripture says, “When the Lord saw her, he had compassion for her.” Jesus had seen and felt her pain. The biblical usage of the word “compassion” signifies “felt in his bowels,” –a deep heart-felt agony of love and sympathy. Jesus understood and felt the hopelessness and despair she felt. His deep compassion was not just as God in man, but also as a human son with a mother.

Jesus comforted the woman with kind words, a miraculous healing, and by raising her son from the dead. Luke, the writer included in the account, “Jesus gave him back to his mother” as a heartfelt reminder of Jesus’ compassion in performing the resurrection. The simple sentence speaks volumes on how much God loves moms (and dads)! Jesus feels the pain at the loss of a child, and He deeply grieves when mothers (and fathers) experience the horrible tragedy. This is my God. And this is your God.

Maybe this is you and your child has died. Like the mother, you may feel alone and in despair and shock. Your child, whether a toddler, teenager or adult, had a vibrant life filled with a hope and a future. Now, instead there is an empty cavern void of purpose and meaning. The grief is raw and unrelenting.

Bring your grief to Jesus. He is with you now, crying over your pain and feeling your despair.

Prayer: Oh Lord, comfort all the mothers and fathers who have lost their children. There is a hole in their heart and a fracture in their spirit. Bind up their wounds and give them hope and strength for tomorrow, one day at a time. Amen (Psalm 147:3; Romans 15:3)

Suggested Reflections

  • Read the entire account of the woman’s story in Luke 7:11-15. Write down thoughts/feelings you have when you read the passage.
  • Write a letter or record an audio/video addressed to Jesus. Feel free to start from the beginning and provide an account of the circumstances that lead to the death of your child up to today.
  • Tell Jesus your feelings, your anger, and include the unfairness. He will not be shocked and you will not disappoint Him. If you struggle with sharing your feelings with God, do a word search for “tears” in the book of Psalms. Then write out your feelings mirroring those recorded by the writers.

Resources

A Sacred Sorrow: Reaching out to God in the Lost Language of Lament by Michael Card. Read my book review here.

Steven Curtis Chapman’s interview about the accidental death of his daughter on ABC news

Steven Curtis Chapman’s amazing song after the death of his daughter Heaven is the The Face.

The Empathy of God

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When Jesus saw her weeping, and the people who had come with her weeping, he was intensely moved in spirit and greatly distressed. He asked, “Where have you laid him?” They replied, “Lord, come and see.” Jesus wept. (John 11:33-35)

In John Chapter 11 we find Jesus traveling with the disciples, when he was notified that his friend Lazarus is extremely ill. Jesus, knowing God’s plan, purposefully delayed his plans to visit. He explicitly told the disciples his plan and even explained why he is waiting for Lazarus to die.

“Our friend Lazarus has fallen asleep; but I go, so that I may awaken him out of sleep.” So Jesus then said to them plainly, “Lazarus is dead, and I am glad for your sakes that I was not there, so that you may believe; but let us go to him.”

As he gets closer to the home of Lazarus, Martha and Mary, Jesus explained his purpose to Martha. 

Martha then said to Jesus, “Lord, if You had been here, my brother would not have died. Even now I know that whatever You ask of God, God will give You.” . . . Jesus said to her, “I am the resurrection and the life; he who believes in Me will live even if he dies, and everyone who lives and believes in Me will never die. Do you believe this?”

As the reader, I am familiar with the incident and know the miracle that is about to take place. Jesus has explained it to his disciples, to Martha and to me. The narrative is interrupted, and I read how Jesus was overcome with emotion and crying, “he was intensely moved in spirit and greatly distressed…Jesus wept.”

I ask myself, “Why is Jesus crying? Why is he so upset? He knows the outcome. Jesus knows in a few short minutes, Lazarus will come walking out of the tomb, risen and alive again! How can Jesus, the son of God, omnipotent, omniscient be upset about a death he is going to rectify?”  I am confused by the incident until the Holy Spirit reveals the answer–empathy!

The Merriam-Webster definition of empathy includes… “vicariously experiencing the feelings, thoughts, and experience of another of either the past or present without having the feelings, thoughts, and experience fully communicated in an objectively explicit manner.” In other words, having the same “feelings, thoughts, and experience” of someone without having the same experience. 

Here in three short verses of John 11, I saw a facet of the heart of God. Our Lord and Savior reveals one of the most powerful emotions of humans—grief, sadness, and pain. Not because Jesus doesn’t know the outcome. And, not because He can’t fix it. Instead, He is overcome with the grief and pain of his friends’ who were inconsolable at the loss of their brother and friend. Jesus’ loving response is to share the experience with them. He cries as they cry.

As someone who has experienced loss and grief, I find comfort in knowing this is my God. He sat with me in my tears and pain. He cried when I was inconsolable. Not because He doesn’t know the outcome. And not because He couldn’t fix it. Instead, He cries, when I cry.

Jesus becomes spiritually distressed by the pain and suffering we experience. He laments with me, with you and with our patients and families.  This new insight into the love of God brings new meaning to Psalm 23:4

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I fear no evil, for You are with me;

Debbie’s Touch

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Today I realized, I am surrounded by Debbie’s. Or maybe I should say Debora’s, Deborah’s, Debra’s, Deb’s, and Debbie’s. Recently, I hired a new instructor whose name is Deborah. As I added her contact information into my phone – all these Debbie’s popped up. As I scrolled through them. I noticed how I am surrounded by Debbie’s.

There is Debora, whom I have been working with for a few years. As we have recently moved into leadership positions, we have become true “partners” in strategizing and co-leading the program. I see us becoming more than colleagues in the years to come.

The next was Debra who retired in 2016. Before her retirement, there were two Deb’s team-teaching the same class. Staff in my department and I would distinguish them by calling them Deb and Debra. There were quite a few years with our dynamic Deb team or Deb2.

In my writers’ group, there is a Debbie. I don’t know if her name is short for Deborah or Debora. I am assuming Deborah, the name from the Old Testament Judge found in the book with the same name. Deborah is my favorite spelling. For my little sister’s name was Deborah and we called her Debbie. Amazingly, Debbie, my writing pal, has the same warm, kind heart that my sister Debbie had. Maybe adding the “ie” to the name softens the heart and brings kindness.

Also included in my contact list, was long-time colleague and previous mentor Deb. She welcomed me into teaching and provided excellent guidance as I ventured into a new career.

I scrolled past another colleague, Deborah. She was my Spanish teacher for a semester. My lack of fluency in Spanish is in no way reflective of her teaching abilities. She has a vibrant personality and creative teaching style—esta excellente!

Speaking of excellent professors, I had the wonderful privilege of sharing a house with an ecology professor when I traveled to Haiti. Debbie not only provided a brief home-away-from home, she led a walking tour around the college campus. On the morning of my first day in Haiti, my personal tour included exotic birds, tropical flowers, and a cocoa tree along with other marvels of nature hidden on this marvelous exotic island.  Her tour is part of a student-work study program.  Debbie educates Haitians on how to share the knowledge of their wonderful island with others as a source of income.

The final Deb in my contact list is the name of a site visitor from an accreditation team member. Even though our time was brief, and she was officially evaluating the program, like other Deb’s she was warm and friendly.

And, of course, I still have my sister’s contact information. I look at her name, nestled among such amazing Deb’s, I know she is in good hands. Hands that touch my life through her namesake and continue to fill my life with her warm presence.

Memorializing Our Loved Ones

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Brooke photo

Brooke’s Hiking Group Bracelets

I was chatting with a student when I noticed she had a pink bracelet. She went on to share with me that a dear friend of hers, Brooke, had just passed away. The student had made their hiking group bracelets and then went to Brooke’s favorite hiking spot–to pray, meditate, and remember her. The group photo shows the hiking group wearing their memorial bracelets.

I am always touched and blessed by the amazing ways people honor those their deceased loved ones. Whether the loved one is friend, family, or colleague those of us who miss them want to honor them and connect with them. I have been collecting various ways that is done. I think part of the reason, is I want to find a way to memorialize my sister.

 

My SISTER bracelet & cowboy boot charm

I have included a picture of my SISTER bracelet, that is the exact match of hers. I had purchased them many years ago. When Debbie passed away, I retrieved hers to keep. I still wear mine at times.  I also have been collecting charms that remind me of her.

 

She was cowgirl and loved her cowboy boots–so when I was looking at various charms–I had to have this one.

 

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Sticker placed in Rear Car Window

 

I hope you enjoy a few ways I have discovered. I included a thoughtful way to share your love and loss with others–a memorial sticker.

 

 

Feel free share ways you honor or memorialize your loved ones

Dash of Poetry for the Holiday

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Tick, Tock,
I can hear the clock.
The calendar pages are ripping,
Day by day,
It comes.

Grave marker w/ xmas tree

Bright, lights
I can see the trees
The season is approaching
Gift by gift,
It comes.

Beat, Beat,
I can feel my heart
The anxiety is mounting
Step by step
It comes.

Grief, grief
I can feel my loss
The sorrow is drowning
Tear by tear
It comes.

Wait, stop
Reach for Him
The prayer is lifting
Moment by moment
It is here

 

*The holiday season can be a difficult time, especially after the death of a loved one. Reach out and get the care you need.  Here are links to my “go to sites.”

  • Kara specific for death of loved ones–all ages

The link includes “Holiday Survivorship Skills”

The link includes s/sx of grief, complicated grief, etc.

What does cinnamon candy & cheese slices have in common?

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One thing about memories is you can’t control when they will pop into your mind. This is especially true for memories of our departed loved ones. A recent example illustrates this point. I love all kinds of cinnamon candy and the hotter the better.  I recently discovered that my husband loves them too, as he was eating two and three cinnamon breath mints at a time. WOW! That’s even too hot for me!

We were reminiscing about the different cinnamon candy and treats that were available when we were in high school—remember the cinnamon toothpicks! As we chatted about the hottest cinnamon candy and comparing the intensities of Jolly Ranchers to cinnamon bears, red hots and hot tamales, I remembered a funny event involving Debbie and I.

About 18 or so years ago my husband and I, with our two daughters drove back to Wyoming to visit my sister. We had pulled an all-nighter, peddle-to-the ground road trip driving straight through from California. We arrived at Debbie’s house at about 4 am and immediately crashed into bed.cinnamon jolly ranchers

When I woke up a few hours later, I went looking for my purse. I found it by the front door,where upon my exhausted arrival I had dropped it. Next to my purse was Debbie’s purse similar in style. Upon closer inspection both purses contained a bag of cinnamon Jolly Ranchers.  It was hilarious! Living so far apart and not being able to “spend time”together we were both amazed by our similar tastes in styles and snacks!

As I was learning about my husband’s love for cinnamon candy, this heart-warming memory surfaced. How sisters separated by years and miles, were seemingly genetically engineered to love cinnamon Jolly Ranchers. Even now, the memory brings a smile to my face.

The sliced cheese is an even older story that my mom loves to tell. When Debbie was about 2 years old, she loved those individually wrapped American cheese slices. Maybe love is not a strong enough word—she craved those little slices. One day, she walked over to the neighbors, politely knocked on their door and asked for a slice of cheese.  My mother had visited the neighbor in the past who had kindly given my sister a slice of cheese. Well, in a 2 year old’s mind, why not go back for more!

Both of these sweet memories of my sister came into my heart and mind this week; and I feel blessed. The main reason these are joyful memories is I am at a good place in my grief, so that missing her stirs happy moments. Thank you, Lord!

A Happy Birthday Letter!

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Birthdays of our deceased loved ones can be difficult days. As a nurse, I have encouraged family members to plan on birthdays as “sucky” days. Now, that I am more than a casual observer or educated professional, planning can help, but it still sucks.  So what can we do? Well, one of the things I do is write my sister a letter. I mean literally a letter. For those of you who are younger than 30 or so, I take out a piece of paper (nothing fancy) and a cool pen (I am totally into pens!) and hand write a letter. No texting, no emails, no facebook postings–a letter that normally would go through the post office or snail mail. Sounds crazy and a bit sad, but I like it!

Part of the reason I like it, is that I feel like I am updating my sister on everything that is going on. I have read historical fiction/non-fiction books that include excerpts of a letter from a daughter who came out west in the 1800’s. Or letters from sons written during the Civil War.  The letters give such a real-life, first person account.

This is how I feel. I am reaching across the expanse of time and space to tell Debbie what is going on.  For example, this year’s birthday letter included a note about writing the memoir. I shared how I hoped she will like it and that it will honor her memory. I know, I know it sounds psycho! But, I don’t care. When I am writing this letter I feel like I am talking to her and she is close to me. Also, I don’t feel like she is missing events that are happening in our family’s life. I update her on how our parents are doing and what her sons are doing.  I also update her on our grief. How much I miss her and the problem my mom had choosing a headstone.

Once the letter is completed, I fold it up and put it in an envelope and mark it–Happy Birthday, 2014. I have also written a letter for Christmas and include a Christmas family photo.  In ten or twenty years from now, I envision opening the letters up and reading through all the life events she has missed.  It sounds heartbreaking and I am sure it will be; YET, it will be better to have a record of all I have shared with her. Instead of the alternative–which is ZIPPO–as if she wasn’t my sister anymore.

Dear Debbie,

Dear Debbie,

My Sister’s Green Chili continued

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Check out part one of My Sister’s Green Chili…

Well, I never did find the green chili powder, so my daughter and I gave the recipe a whirl without substitutions. I am glad we did.  The aroma of roasted pork fused with oregano and garlic with hints of green chilies wafted throughout the kitchen.  It was an amazing warm stew-type dish. A bowl of the hearty meat mixture went well with soft corn tortillas and queso fresco cheese.

When I had completed the cooking, the eating and was driving home with my share of the bounty; I felt disappointed. I had envisioned the experience as one of fun and laughter, like many family cooking adventures. I went into this project with the full knowledge that I was dancing around the grief process and could get burned.  Anyone in the grief process knows what I mean. You crack your heart open and start stirring the pot of feelings, memories, etc and you are going to get singed by the rawness.

As the emotional event percolated from my soul through my mind, I realized I was experiencing a letdown of sorts.  I couldn’t reinvent a day and experience my sister. Yes, I could take her favorite recipe and think about it and talk about her, but in the end she wasn’t here to cook with. In my memoir,  I call it “yearning”. We do things to connect with the person who is no longer here. For the first time since her death, I was more disappointing then soothing. In some ways, it made me feel sadder and even more aware of the emptiness that she once occupied.

The craziness of grief is I will probably keep doing things to feel close to her. Reminisce with my mom; talk with her kids, and other activities that bring her back into my life. No matter how disappointing or fleeting it may be.

Hand approaches hot burner